Society is becoming increasingly aware and open to talking about the importance of mental health<\/strong>. That’s why words like boundaries<\/strong>, trauma<\/strong>, assertiveness<\/strong>, or attachment<\/strong> are increasingly part of public discourse.<\/p>\n We may hear or read these words often, but still not have a clear understanding of their meaning. To get a deeper understanding of these terms today we’re going to talk about attachment styles<\/strong>, and more specifically about the anxious or insecure attachment style<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Attachment, as is understood in the field of psychology, is a term that emerged from the works and research of John Bowlby<\/a> in his attempt to explain the impact of orphanhood on children after World War II.<\/p>\n Attachment theory<\/strong>, then, is an attempt to describe and explain the ways in which human beings attach<\/strong> to those people they depend on during the early years of their childhood and how that way of attaching has an impact on adult relational behavior.<\/p>\n Human beings are one of the few species that are born completely defenseless. We absolutely depend<\/strong> on someone to feed us, protect us, clean us, give us warmth, and take us from one place to another. That’s why we have evolved a way to ensure that we receive that protection (otherwise, we would die). This method is attachment, we attach to one (or several) people with whom we seek proximity, in whom we focus our attention, and with whom we interact.<\/p>\n Depending on the context and behavior of the people we depend on, our attachment style will vary<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Based on how the child’s way of attaching to their attachment figures is, a variable number of attachment categories have been described. Sometimes there are three<\/strong>:<\/p>\n But two more have also been described:<\/p>\n In any case, today we will focus on the anxious or insecure attachment style<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Starting a new relationship with someone I like destabilizes<\/strong> me a lot, I get a lot of anxiety<\/strong> and insecurity, and I constantly feel like they’re going to leave<\/strong>, that they’re going to stop contacting me.<\/p>\n At a rational<\/strong> level, I know that nothing is going to happen, but… I start acting in a way that I really don’t like. If I send a message and they don’t answer me, I start to get upset<\/strong>, then I send more messages or check<\/strong> if they’re connected or have activity on Instagram. I get even more upset if I see that they were connected and haven’t answered me yet.<\/p>\n I get into their social media<\/strong> and start looking at who has “liked” their posts and I start making up stories in my head, I don’t like it at all, it’s really hard for me!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n This is an example of what a person with a primarily anxious attachment style might tell us in a session.<\/span><\/p>\n Do you see yourself reflected in this?<\/p>\n As we’ve seen before, our attachment system is one of our internal mechanisms responsible for monitoring<\/strong> and being attentive to the safety and availability<\/strong> of our attachment figures.<\/p>\n People with an anxious attachment style are hypersensitive<\/strong> to the state of such bonds. They are vigilant and alert<\/strong>, paying attention to any signal<\/strong> that may indicate that the bond is in danger. That’s why they need<\/strong> unmistakable signals<\/strong> that everything is going well and that the relationship is safe<\/strong>.<\/p>\n That’s why they have certain super-powers<\/strong> like:<\/p>\n That’s why if they wait before reacting<\/strong> automatically to the signals and gather more information<\/strong>, they can really be the best at these skills.<\/p>\n When, for whatever reason, their alarm system is activated and their anxious attachment system kicks in, various mental mechanisms<\/strong> go into action with the intention, despite what may seem, of getting closer to the other person<\/strong> (mentally or physically) and checking and reinforcing their bond.<\/p>\n These mechanisms can be:<\/p>\n In addition to these behaviors, they are likely to engage in protest behaviors<\/strong> that aim to shake up<\/strong>, or move the other person to respond<\/strong>.<\/p>\n All these behaviors, as horrible as some of them may seem, serve the purpose of “protecting” the bond<\/strong> with the other person.<\/p>\n People with this type of attachment may find the anxiety and distress generated by the situation very difficult to handle, and feel that the only way to avoid having to hold those unpleasant emotions<\/strong> is to consciously and unconsciously engage in these types of behaviors.<\/p>\n You may wonder why this happens to you, or perhaps it happens to someone you know.<\/p>\n No one shares 100% of another person’s life experience, but there are a series of common conditions<\/strong> that we can find in the childhood of people with an insecure attachment style, let’s see what they are.<\/p>\n We can say almost certainly<\/strong> that the primary attachment figures<\/strong> of these people, those on whom their childhood survival depended, were not<\/strong> warm, close people who made them feel that regardless<\/strong> of<\/strong> how they felt, what they thought or did, they would be loved<\/strong> in a consistent<\/strong> way.<\/p>\n When love, protection, care, and closeness from our attachment figures is inconsistent<\/strong>, when it depends on certain conditions, when in the face of the same circumstances it is sometimes positive and sometimes negative. We will feel that our bond is not secure, we will not be able to know when it is really safe, and we will have to be careful and pay close attention<\/strong> to know when it may be in danger.<\/p>\n Although our attachment style is quite rooted in our nervous system and will probably accompany us for the rest of our lives, we should not give up.<\/p>\n We must become aware<\/strong> that we tend towards this hyper-vigilance and fear of losing the bond. Therefore, when our alarms go off, it doesn’t have to catch us off guard.<\/p>\n By becoming aware, we can avoid falling into automatic behaviors<\/strong> like the ones I described earlier that, despite their initial intention of bringing us closer, are likely to screw up our relationship.<\/p>\n So you can do things like:<\/p>\n If you’re interested in the topic, we recommend the book Attatched<\/a> by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, where you can find more information on attachment styles and how to improve your relationships.<\/p>\n Remember, becoming aware of our attachment style and learning to manage our reactions can help us have healthier and more fulfilling relationships.<\/p>\n If you would like to get to know yourself better and develop more skills<\/strong> when dealing with these types of relational problems, therapy is always one of the most effective and productive ways. You can contact us through our website<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n\n\nWhat is Attachment<\/h2>\n
Types of Attachment<\/h2>\n
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Anxious Attachment Style<\/h2>\n
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Living in Fear<\/h2>\n
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Alert mode activated!<\/h3>\n
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A lot of pain<\/h3>\n
Where does all this come from?<\/h2>\n
What can we do?<\/h2>\n
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To conclude<\/h2>\n